Mum: Wrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh! Who put a banana skin down the toilet???????!!!!!!!

R: It was me. Sorry. I was eating a banana on the loo this morning and I dropped the skin in by accident. I didn’t want to take it out, cos I’d done a wee, so I flushed it.

Mum: You cretin! I’ve been plunging this toilet all day, after QueenBee’s mammoth poo this morning.

R: Sorry.

Mum: Not good enough. You’re on cat box duty for a month. Sift it out! Don’t miss the corners. On Tuesday, you can empty and disinfect it. I’ll inspect it every day and if it’s not immaculate, you’re dead!

R: *mutters under breath* If one of the cats poos in it, I’ll kill it.

Mum: *fortissimo* If you touch one of my cats, you’re moving out!

QueenBee: If R leaves, I get his bedroom and all his toys!



Mum: Hello?

R: Hi. Mu-um, something happened at school today…

Mum: What?

R: I forgot to take some school library books back last year and today I got a letter *gulps* and … and … *starts to cry* they’ve given me $125 library fine, which I have to pay. *breaks down in tears*.

[R’s phone runs out of battery.]

Mum’s phone: beep beep beep

School secretary: Hello?

Mum: Hi, it’s Vicky. My son has just rung, beside himself, because he says he has $125 library fine. Who gave him that?

School secretary: I have no idea.

Mum: Well, could you please find out? I need to speak to them. My child is distraught.

School secretary: I’ll ring you back.

[Mum stamps around friend’s kitchen, cursing cretin teachers loudly. When she has wound herself into a state of abject fury, R arrives.]

Mum: Give me that letter! I’m going to eat whoever got you this upset for breakfast.

[R hands over letter.]

Mum: R!!!! This is a receipt for the $125 Dad and I gave towards the school library fund! It says fund, not fine!

R: Ooooooh!

School secretary: Hello?

Mum: Er, hi *brightly*. It’s Vicky again …

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *